


stuck on your heartbeat

by chthonicheart



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 3.09, Abandonment Issues, Buck and Eddie finally talk about Shannon, Canon Compliant, Episode Tag, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Low Self-Esteem, M/M, Mutual Pining, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:14:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21572056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chthonicheart/pseuds/chthonicheart
Summary: “Eddie…” Buck trails off. His last shred of self-preservation leaves him, and he’s surging forward to wrap his arms around Eddie, burying his face in the meat of the man’s shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 18
Kudos: 604





	stuck on your heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> so........................... was i the only one who hallucinated last night or did that really happen? that really happened, right? 
> 
> this was written for a prompt i received on my tumblr from jamie 'eddie going to buck after dropping christopher off and telling him he's ready to move on with buck.' thank you for the prompt, i am so grateful for it as this is the only standalone fic i've managed to write for this pairing under 4k and honestly that needs to be celebrated. maybe. 
> 
> this is unbeta'd, though i have reread it extensively and even put it through grammarly a few times. 
> 
> let me know what you think <3 as always thank you guys so much for your support/feedback. you have no idea what it's done for my muse and i am forever grateful for that.

Buck’s on the couch when the doorbell rings. He glances at his phone, which he’s been half-heartedly thumbing through since Eddie and Christopher left a few hours ago. They had another one of their dinners together, and yet again, he's left alone with a small apartment that feels a little too big for a singular person, somehow. It’s a little past midnight, late enough that it’s concerning anyone would be at his door. Maddie would have used her key, Eddie probably would have as well, if he had any reason to visit him this late. Though they're generally the only people who care to visit him after dinnertime. 

But, he's not thinking about that right now. It's probably a disgruntled or lost neighbor, knowing Buck's luck.

“Uh,” Buck calls, caught off guard. “Just a second.” 

There are beer bottles on his coffee table still, one of the boxes of Christopher’s favorite brand of apple juice still half full beside them, and Buck’s heart fills so full of longing for a moment he’s dizzy with it. His feelings for his best friend haven’t lessened any through their absence from each other or the inevitable fallout of said absence. If anything, for Buck, they’ve only sunk the roots of it all in that much deeper. 

Buck’s still surprised, really, that he’s somehow managed to trick Eddie into sticking around. 

The doorbell rings again, a couple knocks following it as if making  _ sure _ Buck heard it this time. It gets his attention enough that he figures he should probably stop his insolent pining and start the no doubt tedious process of shooing away whoever it is at his door. It’s late, Buck’s tired, and despite the fact that he doubts he will be able to sleep much tonight, his bed is calling him. 

He opens the door as soon as he reaches it. His breath leaves him in a rush, heart punching a painful escalation against his ribcage that almost has him wheezing. 

It’s Eddie. 

“Eddie?” asks Buck, eyebrows raising in surprise. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?” 

Eddie waves off his concern, brushing by without much resistance. Their chests brush together as the other man makes his way into Buck’s apartment, causing Buck to shudder. He hides it as well as he can, flailing backward to shut the door behind them. Knowing Eddie would have definitely mentioned if it was something important, Buck relaxes. He turns towards the door, opening it once again, slowly as if expecting Christopher’s smiling face to be on the other side of it. 

It isn’t. 

Of course, Christopher would be with Eddie if that were the case, but it’s weird not see him all the same. 

“Where’s Chris?” Buck asks, even though Eddie hasn’t answered his original questions yet. 

“Whoa, whoa, slow down, Buck,” Eddie says, laughing a little. His hands settle placatingly on Buck’s shoulders, and the smile doesn’t leave his face. Buck returns it, helpless and utterly lovestruck. “Chris is fine, he’s spending some time with Denny tonight."

Buck deflates, feeling a little embarrassed about his overreaction. "Oh. I'm glad the little guy's doing okay, still."

Eddie's expression melts into softness. 

"You saw him a few hours ago, Buck." 

"A lot can change in a few hours," Buck explains, though he knows he doesn't need to. Eddie's a parent; of course, he understands the worry. 

"Yeah, it can. But he's fine, he's got Hen and Karen spoiling him rotten right now. I'm here to talk to you, actually."

Buck swallows. He really doesn't like the sound of  _ that.  _

He's terrified, for a moment, that this is it. That despite building up his relationship with Eddie again, despite the playful, sometimes charged banter between them, despite all the barriers and walls they've knocked down the last few weeks, Eddie is still going to leave. Not that Buck would blame him, really. 

Everyone always left. Or he left them before they could leave him, never allowing himself to get close enough in the first place. That all changed when he moved to LA, fracturing the idea of himself so much in his own head that he hardly recognizes himself anymore. 

"Oh," he finally chokes out, through the fog.

Eddie's hand squeezes his shoulder. It's only now he realizes the touch never left, and just how warm and significant it felt through the fabric of his hoodie. 

"It's nothing bad, man. It's good." Eddie assures him. "Hopefully."

That’s less comforting than Eddie probably thinks it is, but he nods along anyway. “Okay. Do you want a beer? Maybe we should sit down for this? We’ve been having way too many conversations in uncomfortable positions lately.” 

Eddie answers with a nod, to both questions, making his way to Buck's couch. Buck's unable to take his eyes off of him for a moment and allows himself the opportunity to indulge while the other man is distracted. Eddie's wearing another one of those ridiculously distracting buttondown shirts. This one is a deep, faded purple, one that hugs every curve and contour of muscle. He wonders, briefly, if anyone in the store had helped him pick them out or if Eddie's simply that naturally gifted at picking items that look _that_ good on him. Buck wouldn't put it past him; the man has always dressed well, at least while Buck's knowing him. He has, however, changed into a different one than what he was wearing earlier, going from one attractive buttondown to another. 

Buck knows it doesn’t mean anything. 

He wants it to, though. 

Buck shakes himself from his thoughts, grabbing two beers from the fridge. By the time he collapses next to Eddie on the couch, there’s barely a lick of distance between their bodies, but they always sit like that. There’s nothing to look into here, just another night between two best friends, where one mysteriously needs to talk to the other. 

Like any other night. 

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Buck asks, passing Eddie one of the bottles. 

There’s a pause. It goes on long enough that Buck finds himself no longer able to ignore the urge to look at his best friend, so he stops trying. Eddie’s gaze is locked on his hands, twisting around the neck of the bottle nestled between them. Buck wants to reach out, cover Eddie’s nervous hands with his own, but part of Buck is almost hesitant to touch him. 

Eddie swears he’s done, that he no longer gets fights through his anger with his fists, but Buck’s scared of what he’ll find if he gives in. If Eddie winces away from his touch again, if this turns out to be a smokescreen… Buck doesn’t know if he could handle that. 

There are no bruises on Eddie’s hands, though, so he’s only successful in resisting for so long (which, is _definitely_ not that long at all). His hand settles over Eddie’s own. “Whatever it is, Eddie, you can tell me. You know I won’t judge you, man.” 

“I know,” Eddie whispers. 

Buck nods. “Take your time. We got all night, and most of the morning, until you gotta pick up Chris. I’m all ears until then.” Inviting himself is on the tip of his tongue but he closes down on it just in case. 

Eddie doesn’t move away from the hand on his, so Buck doesn’t either. He’ll take any excuse to be as close to Eddie as possible, and tactile comfort is something Buck considers himself to be particularly good at. 

“Shannon told me she was pregnant, a couple of weeks before she died.” 

Buck’s breath leaves him in a rush. " _W_ _ hat _ ?” 

Eddie laughs, though it’s humorless, broken. “Yeah. I spent days going through all the crap we put each other through, the army days, the first few weeks when she was still around when I got home,  _ everything _ . For her, for the -- the baby, I forgave her for it all. I forgave myself for everything else, and when I got there, she --” 

Buck squeezes his hand again. 

“I made reservations. She wasn’t pregnant, and she wanted a divorce.” 

“Eddie…” Buck trails off. His last shred of self-preservation leaves him, and he’s surging forward to wrap his arms around Eddie, burying his face in the meat of the man’s shoulder. “I am so sorry you had to go through that. Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Probably for the same reasons you never called me after the ladder truck,” Eddie admits. “We were dealing with things that didn’t involve each other, and I’m not usually comfortable with burdening emotions on people.” 

“Just yourself, huh?” Buck asks a small teasing lilt to his tone in an attempt to lighten the mood. 

Eddie’s cheeks flushed. “Possibly.” 

“I would have been there for you, you know,” Buck tells him, voice firm. “It would have been a nice distraction from everything.” 

“Yeah,” Eddie agrees. “I wish I would have.” 

Buck smiles. “I wish I did, too.” 

Another few beats of silence sound between them, at least until Eddie blurts, 

“It scares me how well you know me sometimes.” 

“Oh, uh. Is that a good thing?” 

Eddie laughs, shifting forward to lean into Buck’s space. The movement causes their thighs to brush together, knee gliding purposefully along the length of Buck’s outer thigh on the way up. The shift in position has them closer than ever, though their hands remain clasped in front of them. 

Buck swallows. 

“I’ve never met anyone like you, Buck. I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone like you again, either. For a long time, maybe even before I returned home for good, I wasn’t sure if I was able to connect with people like everyone else seemed able to. I loved Shannon, a part of me will always love her and at one point we were happy, I know we were. I was too clouded by my own grief to recognize or try to understand hers, and that’s what did us in. I don’t -- I  _ can’t _ make the same mistake with you, man.” 

He makes a noise like he’s dying, and maybe he is because suddenly his grip on Eddie’s hand gets so tight he can feel the man’s pulse through his fingertips. He doesn’t let up, though, wide eyes locked on Eddie’s face. 

“ _ Eddie _ \--”

“Even if I wasn’t  _ in  _ love with her anymore, losing her was harder than almost anything else, Buck,” Eddie continues, like Buck never said anything. That’s okay, though. Eddie’s words are cutting through the brain-buffering loop he’s been stuck in since Eddie said he couldn’t lose him. 

Eddie said that to  _ Buck _ . 

He’s still trying to process that when he hears Eddie’s voice continue on. Eddie’s normally not one for impassioned speeches, but hell if Buck is about to stop him. Eddie’s opening up to him in a way he didn’t even before everything went down between them. Maybe this is what Maddie had meant when she had told him they should try to build something new on the ashes of what they lost instead. 

Whatever it was that Buck and Eddie could have been before that fallout of the tsunami, they’re lost to each other now. That Buck and Eddie are simple caricatures of the men the last several months have made them. Maybe they always would have ended up here eventually or maybe the turmoil and grief they’ve dragged themselves through since then have opened doors that had lied buried out of reach. 

Buck doesn’t know. Buck doesn’t know what they would have been, had things gone differently. 

But he knows that they’re here now and that regardless of Eddie’s roundabout way of telling him, he’s pretty sure he knows exactly where his best friend is going with this. And he wants to hang on to every last word. 

He's not about to miss a single moment of this.

“Catching you outside that triage center, bloody and  _ exhausted _ , all I could feel was worry at the sight of you.” 

Buck bites his lip. “I’m sorry.” 

“Not because of Chris, man. Well, not just because of Chris, I mean. For the first few seconds, I didn’t even make the connection you were supposed to be with him. All I could think about was how much time I had spent hoping I would never see you covered in blood again.” 

Buck sighs. “I made it off better than a lot of others did,” he says. 

“You were pretty banged up, Buck. I should know, I remember treating you,” says Eddie, smirking in amusement. 

Buck rolls his eyes. “Whatever.” 

“Stop distracting me," Eddie says, pointing a finger at him in disappointment. Buck is reminded of the grocery store, and he swallows against the memory. Getting reamed out by his best friend wasn't the most pleasant experience, that's for sure, but it _is_ , at the very least, what got Eddie talking to him again. 

“Stop letting yourself get distracted then,” Buck suggests, sticking his tongue out like a child. 

“You’re ridiculous,” Eddie snorts, leaning forward to press his finger to his lips when Buck goes to open his mouth to be annoying just to see the flush rise in Eddie’s cheeks again. “Soon, okay?” 

Buck nods, lips dragging against Eddie’s finger. His breath stutters out of him at the contact, finding himself at a momentary loss for words. 

“As I was  _ saying _ , I needed time, after Shannon, and it seems like most of the time I’ve spent lately is distancing myself from something I wanted before Christopher ever got into that fancy school.” 

Buck only speaks when he trusts his voice again. “From what?” 

“How I feel about you,” Eddie tells him, and now the quiet hesitation that’s hidden behind his words the whole time is all but gone. “I’ve never felt this way about someone before. Not  _ anyone _ .” 

“What?” Buck feels like he's been punched but in the absolute best way. "What exactly are you trying to say?" 

Eddie’s finger slides down to stroke the tip of Buck’s chin. His touch isn’t aggressive whatsoever, folding gently along the sensitive skin of Buck’s face. Within seconds his fingers start to move; Buck is far weaker than anyone gives him credit for lasting no time at all before leaning into the touch. 

“I love you.” 

Buck's positive his brain has to be leaking out of his ears. A loud, persistent buzzing settles alone the fuzzy edges of his consciousness, and for a frightening few minutes, Buck is almost positive Eddie's done the impossible and broke him. His entire mind is blank except for those three words, those three words Buck thought he was ready to hear. Nothing could have prepared him for the reality of just how _nice_ it is to hear Eddie say them easily. 

"Me?" Buck whispers, breathless. 

"So much it terrifies me. I let it scare me for long enough. If you don't feel the same--"

Buck cuts in with almost a shout. "I do. I _love_ you. That's why -- this job feels like the only thing I have most of the time. Even my connection to my family birthed from the uniform. I know I should have been more patient with that but I also knew you wouldn't wait around forever." 

"Buck. I don't care if you're not a firefighter. None of us do. Your uniform doesn't make you.  _ You  _ make the uniform." Eddie tells him, tone soft and sweet and it is absolutely everything Buck's been hoping to hear.

"Yeah?" Buck asks, a smile already growing into a grin by now. 

"Yeah." 

Buck grins, looping one of his arms around Eddie's neck. The man shivers beneath the weight of his touch. Buck smirks smugly, hands playing with the hairs at his nape . "Well, since you think  _ so _ highly of me, why don't you kiss me already?" 

Eddie pretends to think about it, humming softly. He also leans into Buck's touch, though, so he finds it hard to really care about how difficult he's being.  "Hm." 

"Kiss me." 

Eddie does. 

The first thing Buck can actually think coherently right after is how Eddie tastes of the pizza and popcorn from earlier, the faint wash of barley on his lips. Buck makes a noise into the kiss, one he'll deny if anyone (particularly a teasing, playful Eddie) were to ask, but it _is_ what causes Eddie to surge forward into the kiss to tease his mouth open. 

They lose themself for what feels like days, lips synchronizing like they were made to hold and explore each other like this. When Eddie's tongue brushes against his own, the noise Buck makes can only be described as a groan. Eager, insistent hands slide down the length of his best friend's body so he can pull the shorter man in until one of his legs is awkwardly hooked between Buck's own. 

"Shit, Buck," Eddie rasps, pulling away. "You are _everything_ to us."

Buck has to lean forward to kiss him again, the words are too sweet. "I never thought I'd find something like you, something like _this_ ; you and Chris." 

"We adore you." 

Buck ducks his head on a smile, resting his forehead against the dip of Eddie's collarbone. "I adore you guys." 

Buck _does_ , too. And it's because he loves Eddie and his son that he forces himself to make sure this is what they both want. He has a feeling Eddie hasn't been asked that nearly as much as he deserved to. He forces himself to lift his head up, eyes skating up to meet Eddie's own. 

The look there is so soft, so adoring, Buck's fingers shake in the soft strands of Eddie's hair. 

"Are you sure you're ready for this? It's okay if you need more time, I don't want to rush you. Don't think you have to for me."

Eddie lets out a sigh. "As charming as your self-sacrifice usually is, I'm sure about this. I can't --  _ we  _ can't lose you again."

Buck smiles, pressing another kiss to the corner of Eddie's mouth. He really can't help himself anymore. "You won't lose me. You'll be right there with me, Eddie." 

Eddie's smile can only be classified as a beam. 

"Yeah. Good luck getting rid of me."

"Nope. I think I want to keep you close."

**Author's Note:**

> title adapted from noah reid's cover of the tina turner classic 'simply the best'
> 
> feel free to prompt me or shout @ me about the boys (and that episode holy fuck) on my tumblr @[buckleyeddie](https://www.buckleyeddie.tumblr.com/)


End file.
